5 words I don’t know if I will ever forget. That’s what we heard from the nurse last Thursday as we were looking at the first ultrasound of our new baby. So shocking I had to ask Michelle what she said because I couldn’t have heard her right. I see the baby plain as day right there on the ultrasound. Sure it was hard to find, but there it is. I see it. Even typing this now, it is hard to imagine.
For the last week we have been struggling with the thought that our surprise third addition to our family may not be coming after all. The doctors said that sometimes it is difficult to catch the heartbeat this early, but they were concerned with the growth. At the time of the ultrasound the baby should have been at 8 weeks and based on the size, it was just over 5 weeks growth. We were told that we needed to come back in 1 week to see for sure if there was a heartbeat and if there was growth. If they saw either that we would have to monitor things. If we saw neither, than the pregnancy was not viable.
Not viable, such cold, thoughtless words for a couple whose world has just been rocked. I can understand trying to not get attached, but you’re too late for that. Names thought about, outfits purchased, family/friends/kids told. It still feels like time is standing still in that office, trying to take it all in. Process it. Digest it. I know this is your job, but can you possibly try and sympathize with your patient. Imagine what they are going through.
A week of prayer and hopeful thinking has gone by and we visited the doctor again yesterday. It’s just a shame that hopefully thinking did not come true. The harsh reality I think Michelle and I both knew had come true that there had been no growth. The baby was still at 5 weeks and there was no heartbeat. The doctor said that more than likely at the 5th week mark that for whatever reason the baby stopped growing. More than likely it was a chromosome issue that affected the baby and caused it to stop growing. 1 in 3 pregnancy’s this happens he says. A stat I never wanted to be completely a part of.
Sorry to tell some of you like this, but to be honest I dreaded this day. Coming into work having to tell people, actually verbalizing it, I think reliving it over and over makes it worse. I hope you can understand and forgive me for telling you like this.
Thank you all for your support, your love, your prayers.
So very very sad for y’all. My heart just aches. Y’all are in my prayers. Love you both.
I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about y’all and feel the need to write out what is heavy on my heart for your family. First off, I know this pregnancy was a surprise or at least that’s what I’ve gathered but please don’t let this scare you out of trying again. I know y’all are grieving right now and y’all may actually never completely get over it but I know how excited y’all were to have a third baby. Secondly and probably most important, life just seems unfair sometimes and it’s so easy to ask God why. Why would he allow such pain? The only thing I can come up with is to help someone else who is going to go through something similiar in the future. It may not be in the near future and it may not be exactly the same situation but I feel strongly that yalls story will help someone else who feels just as shaken as y’all do right now. I know that still doesn’t make the pain go away but hopefully thinking about Gods future plans for your family will be of some comfort. I must also say that I don’t know why this has hit me so hard but since it has I feel like my thoughts for y’all needed to be shared with y’all. To say that I’ve been thinking about y’all all day is an understatement. God sure has a way of having people that you meet influence you in some way or another. I feel like the Disney trip where I met Michelle was for a very big reason in my life at the time. Michelle may not realize it but she helped me overcome some anxiety I was feeling of not being a good enough mom to Ben and all the while giving me hope for things working out better for baby #2. She was not afraid to open up and share her bfing journey with me. And let me tell you I thought about her and her situation in those early days of bfing Samantha and it helped me so much. So I know y’all are going to be a blessing to someone else who experiences a loss of some sort. I love you guys and I’m still deeply praying for y’all and I hope that this helps in some way. I can’t help but think that if it’s keeping me awake then it’s meant to be let out.