I Can’t Find a Heartbeat

Posted on

5 words I don’t know if I will ever forget.  That’s what we heard from the nurse last Thursday as we were looking at the first ultrasound of our new .  So shocking I had to ask Michelle what she said because I couldn’t have heard her right.  I see the plain as day right there on the ultrasound.  Sure it was hard to find, but there it is.  I see it.  Even typing this now, it is hard to imagine.

For the last week we have been struggling with the thought that our surprise third addition to our family may not be coming after all.  The doctors said that sometimes it is difficult to catch the heartbeat this early, but they were concerned with the growth.  At the time of the ultrasound the baby should have been at 8 weeks and based on the size, it was just over 5 weeks growth.  We were told that we needed to come back in 1 week to see for sure if there was a heartbeat and if there was growth.  If they saw either that we would have to monitor things.  If we saw neither, than the was not viable.

Not viable, such cold, thoughtless words for a couple whose world has just been rocked.  I can understand trying to not get attached, but you’re too late for that.  Names thought about, outfits purchased, family/friends/kids told.  It still feels like time is standing still in that office, trying to take it all in.  Process it.  Digest it.  I know this is your job, but can you possibly try and sympathize with your patient.  Imagine what they are going through.

A week of prayer and hopeful thinking has gone by and we visited the doctor again yesterday.  It’s just a shame that hopefully thinking did not come true.  The harsh reality I think Michelle and I both knew had come true that there had been no growth.  The baby was still at 5 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  The doctor said that more than likely at the 5th week mark that for whatever reason the baby stopped growing.  More than likely it was a chromosome issue that affected the baby and caused it to stop growing.  1 in 3 pregnancy’s this happens he says.  A stat I never wanted to be completely a part of.

Sorry to tell some of you like this, but to be honest I dreaded this day.  Coming into work having to tell people, actually verbalizing it, I think reliving it over and over makes it worse.  I hope you can understand and forgive me for telling you like this.

Thank you all for your support, your love, your prayers.