I Can’t Find a Heartbeat

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5 words I don’t know if I will ever forget.  That’s what we heard from the nurse last Thursday as we were looking at the first ultrasound of our new baby.  So shocking I had to ask Michelle what she said because I couldn’t have heard her right.  I see the baby plain as day right there on the ultrasound.  Sure it was hard to find, but there it is.  I see it.  Even typing this now, it is hard to imagine.

For the last week we have been struggling with the thought that our surprise third addition to our family may not be coming after all.  The doctors said that sometimes it is difficult to catch the heartbeat this early, but they were concerned with the growth.  At the time of the ultrasound the baby should have been at 8 weeks and based on the size, it was just over 5 weeks growth.  We were told that we needed to come back in 1 week to see for sure if there was a heartbeat and if there was growth.  If they saw either that we would have to monitor things.  If we saw neither, than the pregnancy was not viable.

Not viable, such cold, thoughtless words for a couple whose world has just been rocked.  I can understand trying to not get attached, but you’re too late for that.  Names thought about, outfits purchased, family/friends/kids told.  It still feels like time is standing still in that office, trying to take it all in.  Process it.  Digest it.  I know this is your job, but can you possibly try and sympathize with your patient.  Imagine what they are going through.

A week of prayer and hopeful thinking has gone by and we visited the doctor again yesterday.  It’s just a shame that hopefully thinking did not come true.  The harsh reality I think Michelle and I both knew had come true that there had been no growth.  The baby was still at 5 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  The doctor said that more than likely at the 5th week mark that for whatever reason the baby stopped growing.  More than likely it was a chromosome issue that affected the baby and caused it to stop growing.  1 in 3 pregnancy’s this happens he says.  A stat I never wanted to be completely a part of.

Sorry to tell some of you like this, but to be honest I dreaded this day.  Coming into work having to tell people, actually verbalizing it, I think reliving it over and over makes it worse.  I hope you can understand and forgive me for telling you like this.

Thank you all for your support, your love, your prayers.

Almost a week later…

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Well as we come up on 1 week from the time of diagnosis, I almost can’t believe it has been that long.  Last Tuesday it all started and it seems literally like yesterday.  I apologize to everyone for the lack of updates either on here on phone.  Honestly, like I said, I find it hard to believe it has gone by so quickly.  We just got back from Southern Maryland as I had to go for work, but was lucky enough that since Matthew didn’t have school every came with me so we didn’t have to be apart.  The quick overnight trip was good and I think beneficial in the sense that it was the first time we really had to go anywhere after the diagnosis.  Now Michelle usually packs like crazy anyway, so you can imagine this was even more so 🙂

Anyway, Morgan, I would dare to say is taking this better than both of us 🙂  I have to say we really do have some great kids.  She has gotten to the point now where the finger sticks to test her blood are OK.  She doesn’t fight, she doesn’t even cry when it happens.  She will even tell us it didn’t work if we aren’t holding it tight enough to her finger 🙂  The shots still are a battle and I expect them to be for quite awhile, but we just have to deal with them.  Four times a day getting a needle stuck in you just plain sucks.

Other than that the biggest issue for all of us is food.  For a child who literally ate all day long without stopping, it is extremely difficult to tell her no you can’t eat that now.  We have to keep her on a bit of a schedule plus anything she eats outside of meals has to be “free” food which contains no or very little carbs so it does not affect her blood glucose.  The night before we left for Maryland I think we shopped in Acme for about 3-4 hours, mostly staring at labels trying to find low/no carb snacks that she can eat.  As much as she would like, she can’t survive on nothing but cheese sticks all day long 🙂  From here on out, the biggest hurdle for us will be cooking.  Michelle I think is scared to death to try and cook because it is so difficult knowing how many carbs are in anything she cooks.  We purchased some diabetic and low carb cookbooks at Borders the other day, so I hope that helps her out.  Ultimately I think it won’t matter as much as she thinks, but until she actually does it and puts it in practice, that’s another story.

The good thing is her blood glucose has been “normal” around 190 for a few days now, minus a peak once or twice, but nothing too serious.  I guess that means we are doing things the right way, but who knows.  Like I said, she is taking it in stride, it’s Mommy and Daddy that could have a nervous breakdown at any moment 😉

Anyway, enough babble.  There you go, another quickie update hopefully giving you a glimpse of how she is doing.  How we are doing.  Now to try and tackle getting rid of or hiding all the food she can’t eat around the house 🙂  I also want to say thank you to everyone again that has reached out to us.  It amazes me how many people have sent some encouragement or prayers our way.  I truly feel loved and cared about, and I can’t thank you all enough for that.  I love you all!


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A Quick Update on Morgan

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Evening All,

Literally walking dead here.  Was a long night trust me, but well worth it!  At about 3am Morgan woke up and for the most part was normal again 🙂  She smiled, ate, watched TV, all the usual stuff 🙂  We finally turned the corner.  She stayed up most of the night until she fell asleep from exhaustion at about 6pm.  During her time awake, we were able to get both IV’s removed allowing her to get down and run around and play.  Her appetite definitely was back as she ate quite a bit for breakfast and lunch, but by dinner time she was so tired she didn’t eat much.  Today started the first day of a new chapter.  Both Michelle and I had to practice giving shots, answer questions to make sure we were competent enough to allow Morgan to come home with us.  After our first roommate, it makes me thankful for what they do, because what seems like a no brainer to me in making sure my child will get the medicine she needs to survive, is not that important to some people, and that is just a sad state of affairs.  All going well and the doctors feel comfortable allowing her to come home, we all should be home tomorrow!

I really don’t think I will ever get Tuesday out of my mind.  I knew things were bad, but just didn’t know how bad.  Much like when Matthew was born and the naivety that everything would be fine, when in fact we were blessed to have a healthy baby boy premature by 6 weeks, weighing 3 pounds 10 ounces, without any issue at all.  In looking at blood glucose levels,  I see anything over 500 is considered possibly fatal.  A reminder that when Morgan checked in her blood glucose level was 536.  Honestly, I don’t know how else to continue with that, so let’s move on.

As I slowly lose focus because of my lack of sleep, let me go backwards for a minute as this question continues to come up.  How did we know?  Well the easy answer is we had no clue.  We did see some pointers, but nothing we really could point to and say, hey diabetes.  It all started about 3 weeks ago when Morgan puked.  I think the first time, but I could be wrong.  As most of it was chocolate, we assumed she was in the kitchen chomping on way too much without us knowing and she just got sick.  The other issue around this time was the constant urination.  We attributed this to just a bad case of diapers.  It seemed like every single diaper in the box leaked, when in fact she was just peeing so much, the diapers couldn’t keep up.  By changing the box of diapers it helped some but not a lot.  Looking back we also noticed that she was constantly thirsty.  She could not get enough to drink.  Finally, Tuesday, she puked twice in a manner of minutes and Michelle called the doc to get in as soon as possible.  And the rest as they say is history.

So that’s that.  I hope this may have answered some of your questions.  Honestly I don’t think I could say anymore at this point.  I literally am spacing out as I type I am so tired, so let me bid you adieu 🙂  have a good night all, and I can’t wait to tell everyone tomorrow that we are home and doing well.  Very quickly, I just want to say thank you to friends, family, coworkers, who have given their support in one fashion or another, through phone calls, texts, emails, Facebook posts and messages.  I can’t tell you how much it means knowing we have so many people praying and thinking of us during this time.  We love each and every one of you and I hope you know that!


Diabetes…What a Word

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I have to be honest I think, no, I know I was ignorant to the disease before yesterday.  I heard people talk about it.  I had seen people even friends take shots or have pumps.  It’s more for overweight people right?  Wow.  It’s just amazing how an 8 letter word can really shake you when it is attached to your 2 year old child.  For any not in the know, Morgan was rushed from the doctors office to the ER yesterday after the doctor instantly thought it was diabetes.  When she was admitted her blood sugar level was 536, and normal for her is about 180.  No one has said just how bad off she was, but I have a feeling it was pretty bad and it was a good thing we came in when we did.

This morning the doctor here at AI Dupont confirmed that it is almost positively diabetes.  There are only a handful of things that it could be other than diabetes, and all of them are highly unlikely.  That being said, the last 24 hours, i think I have had information overload.  With all the information the hospital has given not to mention all the info I have looked up online, I think I have the basics covered.

For me, I think the biggest concern is diet and we are supposed to see a dietitian tomorrow.  From my previously limited knowledge and the fears I have, I think I am wrongly concerned but concerned none the less.  The doctor mentioned that the insulin nowadays is much more refined and diet doesn’t come into play any near as much as it did years ago.  As long as things are in moderation, he seemed to think she should have no problems.

It certainly seems like it will be a lot more work for us as parents that’s for sure.  Counting carbs, calculating carbs to insulin ratios, giving shots.  Trust me it does not sound like fun, especially to someone who doesn’t like needles.  But it’s for my baby.  That’s all that matters.

Anyway, as I sit and stare and my beautiful baby girl fast asleep in her steel crib and I think of everything that is to come, I am thankful that God has blessed me with not only this beautiful girl, but an amazing son and a beautiful wife to share this life with.

I know it has been awhile since I have posted but the only people that ever dropped by here are no on Facebook so that’s where I post most everything now, just in much smaller snip-its.  Anyway, excuse my talking out loud.  Michelle is home with Matthew, hopefully getting a good nights rest as I take hospital shift tonight.  I need to try and get some rest because I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be up most of the night with as much as she has slept today.  Good night all, thank you for listening, all 2 of you out there 🙂


P.S. – Christmas pictures posted 🙂

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New Pics Uploaded

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Finally put our Disney World Pics up on Flickr. Sorry it took so long. Lots to say, but no time to say it. Last day of vacation, back to the grind tomorrow and been a long day so hitting the sack. Enjoy the shots and will try and blog in the next few days of whats new.


Disney World 2009

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